well it’s fucking 12:01 am and i can’t sleep cause im pissed at someone from work. lol
so since 7/26 i hauled ass through 7/31 to meet two big deadlines for two clients. We didn’t think I’d make it for my biggest client (“client A”) so we were coming up with contingency plans in case we missed and try to deliver what we can piecemeal… but I was able to figure shit out and get it to them and signed off by around 5:00 PM that day. hooray. for the other one “client B” the senior manager on that one had to fight with my senior manager on client A and be like plz let xsa work on this its due 7/31 and were like uhhhhhhhhh so is our stuff? but we relented. but we made that one and so we got a bunch of thank you e-mails from client B’s senior manager and the managing partner on that. hooray. now note on that thank you e-mail the guy says “let’s finish up the remaining items next week.” i think to myself ok sure i have some time next week to complete it. cool.
fast forward to fucking tuesday afternoon and the guy is like hey are you going to finish those open items? i say im working on the other stuff and then he throws down the ok let me know if i need to talk to the senior manager on client A to get you to finish this stuff. like bro you literally just four days ago were like good job team and now you wanna shit all over me. cool bro so much for a good job when you said NEXT WEEK you wanted it completed and we’re 2/5 days in to the god damn weekday and you wanna throw fists for my time. again. nice. maybe i should learn to be an asshole too. normally this would be fine if you only had two clients… but when you’re juggling like a whole bunch of other engagements at the same time getting pulled in 3 different directions when you’re trying to do one thing is extremely annoying.
i dunno i got my annual raise and bonus and its… ok but less than what i was expecting. my boss boss was like it’s ok when you make it to manager next year it should be a lot better… but sometimes it’s like damn… do i want MORE responsibility than what I already have…? I like to think maybe this shit isn’t worth it… but after the fact once our tax season is over it’ll be like ahh it wasn’t so bad. we can do it again. lol
a reminder of better times in my life
i think its times like these where you’re at fucking rock bottom… and you realize what things matter in life and what things dont matter in life. does being good at mahjong matter right now? does getting sick exp drops in runescape matter right now? nah… would having been healthy and fit matter right now? most likely… would having been diligent and on top of my work earlier this year matter right now? most likely…but it’s easy to lose sight of those things when the going is good.
remember THAT? lol that feels like ages ago already
so i dunno. what do i want? your sympathy? nah. i don’t really know how that helps. i do know there’s some folks out there who are like damn this guy lives a really good life buying cunny all the time. my life’s shit man. i’m fat, my job sucks, i suck at mahjong, i piss away all of my free time doomscrolling the internet. you should find someone else whos life is better and aspire to be like them!
like there’s these cute cunny shirts for c108 i’m gonna buy! but i’m still a fat sack of shit cause i’m too sloppy to stick to any of my plans for more than two weeks so when i wear them im just a fat loser! AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
i guess like in the back of my mind i fantasize about what i could be if i really tried. like quit playing video games and quit looking for attention on the internet and quit looking for things to jerk off to (like seriously i have 700 unread doujins. and we add like 100-150 every comiket. why do we need to look for r-18 stuff on the internet???) and just digged the fuck in on playing irl. become the “successful” high(er) six figure earning jacked cunny chad i always wanted to be. (can one really argue that’s being successful? who defines that?)
i think i’m just scared. what if i stopped trying to be the xsa who “is good” at mahjong?
in the absolute scale of things, st2 ain’t shit. but neither is making high six figures, is it? especially when i know how much my clients make. lol
or the xsa who pisses away all his money erecting his (half) cunny goon cave? i couldn’t take that one away. i think removing that would like… unironically ruin who i am as a person if i strip that away. but doesn’t that mean i’m just as bad as the other people who claim their mental illnesses as their identities?
well, for everything else, there’s always a nice fap and nap. and back to hell we go when we wake up. lets fucking goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo